Gratitude and Grief: Holding Space for Both in Adoption
Gratitude is complicated. It’s not always the warm, easy feeling people expect—especially when your story begins with more questions than answers.
For many adoptees, the world tells us to focus on the good, to be thankful for the family that raised us, and to push aside the parts of our story that feel painful. But what if gratitude and grief aren’t opposing forces? What if they can exist together, side by side?
A Story Written in Scars and Shadows
My adoption story began with a scar on my side—a physical reminder of the mystery surrounding my earliest days. I was left as a baby on a hospital doorstep in China with no name, no record, just a blank slate. Statistically, I shouldn’t be here. And yet, against the odds, I survived.
I was in an orphanage until I was adopted by a loving family in the United States. For much of my childhood, adoption was simply a fact—neither good nor bad, just part of my life. I had a home, a family, and opportunities like any other kid.
But as I grew older, that simple narrative began to unravel.
The questions crept in:
Why wasn’t I kept?
Was I not enough?
Who was I before I was me?
These weren’t fleeting thoughts. They settled into my bones, shaping how I saw myself and my place in the world. I felt like I was living in a “ghost kingdom,” surrounded by the shadows of a life I might have had.
The Weight of “You Should Be Grateful”
There’s an unspoken expectation for adoptees to be eternally grateful—to focus on the “you’re here now, isn’t that amazing?” narrative while brushing away the confusion, the loss, the pain. But adoption isn’t that simple.
The truth is, gratitude and grief are not mutually exclusive.
I can hold deep appreciation for my adoptive family and the life they’ve given me while mourning the unknowns of my past. I can cherish the love in my present while wondering about the faces I may never get to see. Gratitude doesn’t erase loss, just as loss doesn’t erase gratitude.
Both emotions deserve space.
Finding Peace in Complexity
Eventually, I reached a crossroads: I could spend my life chasing answers that might never come, or I could focus on what I do know.
What I know is this: my life is a mosaic of both blessings and losses. I have a family that loves me, friends who choose me, and opportunities that many don’t get. But acknowledging those blessings doesn’t mean I ignore the pain of my beginnings. True gratitude isn’t about dismissing the hard stuff—it’s about seeing the whole picture, embracing both the beauty and the brokenness.
That scar on my side still reminds me of where I came from. But now, it also symbolizes everything I’ve gained.
Holding Space for Other Adoptees
As an adoptee, my purpose now is to be a voice of both hope and honesty—to remind others that it’s okay to ask hard questions, to sit with discomfort, and to embrace the full complexity of their story.
If you’re an adoptee struggling with the weight of gratitude, know this: You don’t have to choose between being thankful and being honest about your emotions. Your grief doesn’t make you ungrateful. Your questions don’t mean you love your adoptive family any less.
Your story is valid in all its layers.
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Yes. Gratitude for one’s adoptive family doesn’t negate the natural grief over unknowns or losses in their origin story.
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They can offer an open and understanding environment, encourage honest conversations, and seek professional support when needed.
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Absolutely. Curiosity about biological origins is a common part of many adoptees’ journeys toward understanding their full story.
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No. Grief is a valid response to loss, and it can coexist with deep appreciation and love for your adoptive family.
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Connecting with other adoptees, engaging in supportive communities, and acknowledging both gratitude and grief can foster deeper belonging.
Every day is an opportunity to live authentically—to hold space for all the emotions that come with adoption. And that, more than anything, is something truly worth being thankful for.
